I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
