The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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