I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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