He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
