for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
