Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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