This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He passed out mid-signature
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
