My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
