now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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