this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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