I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
