i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
