You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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