In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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