Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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