I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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