Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
