I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
