i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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