just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize