My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
