Your dad touched me again.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
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