well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
