whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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