So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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