I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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