I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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