my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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