I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
