I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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