I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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