I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
is that a dick in a sweater?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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