I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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