i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
