Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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