She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
