alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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