the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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