she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
