he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize