How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize