I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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