I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
