Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
