Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
