all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
