I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize