i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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