I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
