there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
