cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
