She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
