Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
