O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
