dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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