A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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