I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
