Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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