I intend to get homeless drunk
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I did not marry a roomba.
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