If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We are all done wearing pants today
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
