hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
