My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
