If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
