dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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