I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i dont even know how to be here
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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